Communicating with my teenager

You want your child or young person to feel that they can talk to you. You may not agree with their point of view or behaviour for example, but you can express this in a calm, kind, respectful and non-judgemental way. You can also set boundaries and expectations in a calm, kind way that encourages continued communication. The overall goal should always be to encourage continued communication.

Do not mistake shyness or lack of eye contact for your child not being interested. Sometimes it’s hard to look someone in the eye if chatting about something serious or big. It doesn’t necessarily mean the person isn’t interested or wanting to chat. Be open to different ways of communicating that suit your young person and make them feel comfortable.

Safe, open communication is essential. If you have something big to chat about, suggest doing it face to face, in an environment that the person feels comfortable in. A walk outside, around the kitchen table, or wherever suits.

Even if you think that your feelings and the reasons behind them seem obvious, you must explain them. This way you can ensure you have been heard and understood. And of course, encourage your child or young person to do the same. Express your thoughts and feeling using ‘I’ statements. For example ‘I am angry because I am tired’. ‘I’ statements focus more on feelings and the impact on others, rather than seeming like an attempt to blame another person.

Ask your child questions and let your child ask you questions. Confirm that everyone understands each other. Use open-ended questions to allow your child to explore their feelings and the reasons behind them. Open-ended questions are those that cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no”. For example: “How does that make you feel?”, “How would you like us to communicate in future?”.

It’s important to talk about how to best communicate and when to best communicate. It sets a good foundation to ensure that communication is valued and is regular. Can you agree on a time each week, or each day, or whatever suits everyone, to come together to chat? Can you be open to chatting if/when things arise?

Try to see your child’s point of view and really listen to what they are saying. You don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, your child or young person will probably appreciate that anyway; it reminds them that some topics are hard or tough and they are not the only person finding that to be the case. What’s important is that you listen, relay what you have taken in and remind your young person that you are there for them. If your child is looking for answers around a particular topic, you can offer to find out more about the topic together or reach out to someone who might know more.

Find what works for you and make it part of your regular routine. Some parents or carers like the idea of a regular car-ride chat on the way home from school or sport – everyone is in the same space, looking ahead, so there is no awkward eye-contact when discussing the big issues. Perhaps family meal-time is suitable? Or another weekly check-in that you choose to do? Just do the best to find opportunities to talk and keep encouraging it.

Cultural example: Talanoa In Samoan and some other pacific islander cultures, families make the time to meet weekly to chat as a family and discuss what is going on in each family member’s lives; including any issues they are facing. The family then discuss how they can support the individual.

If you feel your young person may need some support or help beyond what you can offer, it’s important to let them know that and to discuss bringing in some extra support. Similarly, if you feel like you need help or support, it’s important to prioritise this and reach out to a support service (and role model this to your child or young person).

Sometimes we just don’t have the answers ourselves; but a support service may be able to give us better information, link us up to help we might need or make some suggestions. Youth Solutions can provide information, support and referral too, so get in touch if you need to: 02 4628 2319 | info@youthsolutions.com.au or message us on social media.

Use roleplays and scenarios to help your child better understand the situation and to brainstorm safety strategies.

You need to explain what you think or how you feel and welcome them to do the same.

They may not. Give your child the chance to ask questions and encourage them to check their understanding. You can also ask them questions to ensure they understand what has been said.

If you want your child or young person to be honest and open with you and communicate with you, it’s imperative you encourage communication. Let them know your own thoughts and feelings. You have to role model what good communication should look like, if you’d like your child or young person to reciprocate.

This is not going to help connection and communication. This increases the likelihood of a hostile response and decreases the chances of future communication.

Avoid making ‘you’ statements to blame your child (eg you make me so angry).  This is likely to leave your child or young person feeling attacked, hostile and unlikely to communicate. Focus in ‘I’ statements to help your child or young person to understand your feelings (eg I feel concerned and frustrated when we don’t communicate well).

These do not promote respectful, open and helpful communication and can be damaging to the relationship and future communication.

Questions can be good, but avoid the situation turning into an interrogation with multiple questions; it’s unpleasant and unlikely to get you the results you want. Stick to a few, open-ended questions and plan another time to connect and chat.

If you are angry or upset it is usually best to calm down first before having difficult conversations. Doing this also role models a positive way to managing emotions; which is something your child or young person is still learning. Taking a moment to calm down and addressing the topic later is likely to be better for everyone.